Know Your Hylians!
by Toyax
Summary: Like Know Your Stars, only Hylian style! This is a one-shot.


**Hi everybody! I wanted to have more than one story and I thought this would be fun so I wrote it! I hope you like it!**

**Dark Link: I have a feeling they won't like it.**

**Me: Why would you say that?!**

**Dark Link: I'm Dark link. I'm always mean.**

**Me: Oh. Right. Now say the disclaimer.**

**Dark Link: Fine. Toyax doesn't own Zelda but wishes he did.**

**Me: I sure do!!**

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Link and Malon walked into a domed building filled to the brim with chattering audience members. Everyone quieted when they they saw them. Then Link started to talk.

"Hello everyone, and thanks for coming. Welcome to the new TV show, Know Your Hylians!!" Link shouted into the mike, causing everyone to cheer loudly.

"On Know Your Hylians, we will have tons of people from all over sit in this chair here," Malon pointed to a chair that had been put under the spot light, "and we will have our voice-from-above-guy start saying things about them!" Malon explained enthusiastically, causing the audience to, once again, cheer loudly.

"Please note that not everyone will be hylian here. It is just there for business purposes." Link boringly said. "Now, who's ready to meet the STARS!!"

This once again got quite a large and loud cheer from the audience.

"First up, we have the Great King of Evil, Ganondorf Dragmire coming up!" Malon said as a large, rather bulky, man came up and stood to the far left of the stage. The crowd started going crazy right then.

"Will ya listen to that Malon? The audience is going crazy. I think they deserve to meet the rest of the stars!" Link stated, earning him a loud applause and cheer from the audience.

"I think your right, Link. Next up, coming all the way from the castle, the dainty, slim, Princess Zelda King of Hyrule!!" Malon shouted above the hustle and bustle of the already cheering crowd, causing them to cheer louder.

Zelda made her way onto the stage, waving to the audience members and winking at the host and hostess. She walked over and stood next to Ganondorf, who looked at Zelda's hand and then looked as if he wanted to strangle her. He then proceeded to look at Link's left hand which glowed with a soft golden light.

"Ok everyone, settle down. Coming after Zelda, all the way from Zora's Domain, the fabulous, luxurious, envious, Sage of Water, Princess Ruto of the Zoras!!" Link announced, earning a few boo's from the crowd (for those Ruto haters, including myself) and hisses from the Link fangirls. Ruto walked onto the stage wearing a set of blue Jabu-Jabu earrings. She waltzed over and stood next to Zelda, where the two women proceeded to glare at eachother. Link looked embarrassed and turned red.

"N-next up," Link started, still looking embarrassed," is an evil little twerp who doesn't deserve to be here, Mido Kokiri!!"

Mido walked on set, shouted "hey!" to Link, and stood next to Ruto.

"Moving on, we're gonna introduce our next contestant, the Postman!!" Malon shouted not-so-enthusiastically.

The postman walked on the stage carrying a backpack full of letters. He then proceeded to hand out letters to the audience and contestants who had gotten mail. When he was through, he stood next to Mido (EVIL!!) and became quiet.

"We will now take a short intermission to read our letters!" Link announced. "Don't go away! We'll be back after these commercial messages."

_Cue Commercials_

"And now we're back with Know Your Hylians! It's time to meet the final five stars!!" Malon shouted.

"YAY!" shouted the audience.

"Number six coming up," Link started, "is the fabulous... MIDNA OF THE TWILIGHT!!"

The crowd went wild upon seeing Midna in her human form and some men even whistled and hooted which brought them an air-kiss from her. They blushed and fainted. Midna stood next to the postman and received her letters.

"Coming up, we sponsor her company, Tetra of the pirates! You go girl!" Malon said loserish-like. **(It's a word!)**

The crowd immediately got quiet at her extremely cliched and very cheesy phrase. Then they burst out cheering as Tetra walked on stage followed by her merry band of pirates. (COUGHstalkersCOUGH)

"Malon, I'm getting tired of these introductions. You wanna finish this really quick?" Link asked.

Malon answered, "YES! PLEASE! I uh...mean...sure Link, that's a fine idea!"

"Ok! The last two contestants are as follows. Shiek, Zelos?, and Nabooru! Wait, what? Who's Zelos? Why is he a contestant?"

Zelos then burst on set wearing a two-piece bikini with Mithos' face on them. He then proceeded to steal Malon's mike and scream, " Don't go into the light, Jedi Master! Sheelos rules all!! I love you, Trethe!" **(Sorry, Freaky.)**

Then there was a cry of "Zelos, you idiot philanderer!" from the background and a chair was thrown at Zelos' head, knocking him out. Hands appeared from the shadows and dragged him off stage.

Malon then picked up her mike and whispered, "We'll be taking a short intermission."

_Connection terminated_

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_Connection reestablished_

"We're so sorry for the short wait, but we had to sort everything out. It was hard." Link said. "But now, here come the final two contestants now! Like I said, it's Shiek and Nabooru!!"

The crowd burst into whistles and applause at the site of Shiek, which made the Nabooru look down in sadness. Shiek stood next to Tetra who looked up at him in a how-dare-you-be-taller-than-me-I-will-slit-your-throat kind of way. Nabooru followed suit and stood next to Shiek.

Now that all the contestants had come on stage, they all took a great bow and made the audience break the sound barrier with their cheering. The voice-from-above-guy started talking.

"Now that all contestants are on stage and ready, we can begin the completely telling the truth jab at our patrons using words! Let's begin! Ganondorf, would you come over to the chair in the spotlight, and sit down? You will then be strapped against your wil- I mean...asked a couple of questions."

Ganondorf made his way over to the brightly illuminated chair suspiciously. The audience was strangely quiet. Ganon sat down and straps immediately came up from the sides of the chair and strapped him in nice and tight. He yelled out a surprised "aah!" as the voice came on again.

"What? Did you honestly believe we were actually going to just ask you questions? You foolish, evil man." He said as he shook his invisible head. All the audience members were now cowering in fear of the voice, as were the other contestants and Link and Malon. The other contestants tried to escape, but their feet were stuck to the floor by Shikamaru's shadows. (Not really) By what seemed to be some type of gum. They all let out frightened and surprised "aah"'s and tried feebly to move.

"Now for some questions." said the voice.

"Oh no."

"Ganondorf Dragmire...has a dog named Cat."

"I do not! Dog's are not worthy of my presence!"

The audience burst out laughing.

"Ganondorf Dragmire...throws up...and then forces pigeons to eat it!"

"What are you talking about? That's disgusting!"

"And finally, Ganondorf Dragmire...eats Kokori for breakfast!"

"What the hell! I eat everything but Kokori! I've heard they're horrible for your complexion!" Ganondorf screamed angrily.

"I knew it! I knew that the Kokori of the forest were disappearing!" Mido yelled, struggling to break free.

"For the last damn time I don't!" Believe me!" He yelled.

Saria suddenly walked on stage and whacked Ganon upside the head. Then she walked off.

"Ganondorf Dragmire shall now be relocated to a remote location."

"Wha-AAAAAAHHHHH!!" Ganon bellowed as a hole appeared beneath the chair and he fell through it, the chair coming with him.

"And now for our next guest, Princess Zelda!" the green-clad hero shouted.

The guards dragged the princess to a new chair in the spotlight and set her down, then proceeded to handcuff her to the chair.

"Rrgh! Let me go! I'll have you reported to the royal guards for this!" she shouted, but to no avail.

"Alright! Let's begin the question asking process! Zelda, you're up!" shouted the announcer.

"Nooooooooooo!"

"Princess Zelda...has lost her hair!"

"I have not! You can see me! I still have all my hair!"

Zelda was suddenly bald.

"Agghhhhh! What did you do to me!" Zelda struggled against her handcuffs to cover up her head.

"Princess Zelda...gives money to poor people!"

"I do not! Oh!" she started in automatic defense and then realized what she said.

"Hahahahahaha! Sorry about that!" said the announcer, "What I meant to say was that Princess Zelda...maims innocent kittens."

"What? I love kittens! I have one named Prince Fluffington at home right now!"

"That's what you think."

"What? What have you done with my kitten? If you do anything to hurt him, I'll personally slit all of your throats!"

"Whoa, new side of Princess Perfect!" Link said.

"Give me my cat! Don't touch him! Release me!" Zelda's cries echoes out into the room as he was dragged off stage by the guards. Where she was going, I do not know.

"And now for the next contestant, Ruto of the Zoras!" Malon admitted to the crowd.

Ruto was carried on stage by a group of gorons, gagged, bound, and unconscious. She was set on a chair and quickly had her feet nailed to the floor. **(Shoes, really. Painless.)** Then she was given something to wake her up.

"Ooh, my aching head. Where am I? How did I get here? And who are you?" she questioned.

"I am the narrator! Mwahahahahaha-ah-ah-ah...choo!"

"Gesundheit, m'lord." one of the Gorons said.

"Thank you", said the voice from above.

"Helloooooo? You still haven't answered my questions! Hello!?" Ruto whined.

"Oh. Right. Princess Ruto...has her spleen eaten every day before it re-grows. Just like the Greek mythology character."

"Okay, um...what?" Ruto replied.

"Princess Ruto...killed a _wiener schnitzel_ yesterday."

"What? I didn't kill a German hot dog! How do you even kill food?"

"Princess Ruto...lost an illegal immigrant monkey in the hallways of a New York apartment."

"Gugh-huh? Like...what? Huh? What!!!?"

"Okay, it's time to say goodbye to Princess Ruto! Bye-bye, princess!" said the voice.

"Wait! What? Where am I gonna go-oooooooohhhhhhh!!!!!" Ruto cried as she was sucked into a hole in the ceiling.

"Now that that's over with, let's bring in the next contestant! Mido Kokori!" said the voice.

"Let go of me! Get off! You can't treat me this way! I am your leader! DIE!" Mido screamed as he was dragged in by a group of Kokori.

"Alright, let's begin! Sit 'er down, Kokori man-child!" said the voice.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" he wailed.

"Mido Kokori...lights candles in heavily wooded areas."

"What? I would never do that! I love Kokori Forest!"

"Traitor!" Saria shouted from the background.

"Mido Kokori...betrayed Link and Zelda to Ganondorf!"

"Nu-uh!" he retorted.

"I knew it! I knew he somehow knew our surprise attack was coming! Who even told you?" Link ran over and slit Mido's throat.

Another group of Kokori came over and carried his dead body to the Kokori morgue a.k.a buried under a tree.

"That was disgusting. Onto the next contestant," exclaimed the voice, "finally, the moment we've all been waiting for..........the Postman!!!"

"Yayyyyyyyyy!!!!!" the audience cheered extremely loudly.

"Hey, everybody! I've got some more letters for everyone!" he shouted.

_We will take a short intermission to read our letters_

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_Intermission ended_

"Now that everyone has their letters, let's sit the Postman down on his chair and subject him to humiliating torture!" said the voice.

"OK!" the postman replied enthusiastically.

"Man, it's not as fun when you actually want to!" Link groaned.

"Of course!" said the Postman.

"Let's tranquilize him." Malon suggested.

A Kokori shot a tranquilizer dart out of a blowpipe and it hit the Postman in the butt.

"I'll go get more letterssssssss...zzzzzzzzzzzz." the Postman fell asleep. The Gorons dragged him to the chair and strapped him in.

"Let's start!"

"Woooooooo!" the audience shouted.

"The Postman...turns bananas into little pieces of metal that you stick in your teeth."

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzz-*snort*."

"The Postman...maims people and throws them in his postbag."

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-*snORT!*"

"The Postman...makes fake letters and gives them to people."

"WHAT????!!" everyone shouted simultaneously.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-*SNORT*"

Some Zoras came and brutally unstrapped him from the chair. That woke him up.

"Huh? Wha-?" He drunkenly mumbled.

"Goodbye!" Link happily waved.

A hole opened up in the floor and he fell through it.

"Don't forget your postbag!" shouted Malon as she threw it after him, letters fluttering down after him.

"Thaaaaaaaaank yoooooooouuuuuu." wailed the Postman.

The hole closed.

"Now for the next contestant," the voice announced, "Midna of the Twilight!"

"Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Hottie!" The audience screamed.

Midna walked on stage and everyone screamed and cheered. She sat down in the chair. A few Kokori came over to strap her in, but she blew them away with her orange hand thingy. She then strapped herself in with it.

"I have no need for you peasants. I am the queen of the Twili. I need no help from you inferior creatures because I am awesome and ownage." **(A.N. This is just my opinion and you may not agree with me. I think she is.)**

"Alrighty then! Let's begin, shall we?" the ominous voice cackled evilly.

"Okay, let's get this over with." droned the Twili ruler.

"Queen Midna...likes to command carnivorous plants to help her take over the world!"

"Mm-hm." she sighed.

"Queen Midna...feeds cabbages to stuffed animal wishing they were real."

"*Yawn* Sure."

"Um...Queen Midna...has a collection of Barbie dolls in her closet?"

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...suuuuure, that's right."

"Oh, just get her out of here. The one's who don't resist are no fun." the voice pouted.

The guards came over to unstrap her but she suddenly dematerialized herself and disappeared with a wink.

"You honestly thought you could restrain me? I am the ruler of the Twili! I've been the puppet master pulling all the strings this whole time! Uahahahahahahahaha!" her maniacal laughter died down from the shadows and all was quiet again.

"Okay! That was a little intense," Malon exclaimed, "Why don't we just move right along to the next contestant."

"Yeah. Tetra of the Pirates, come on down!" yelled the voice.

"I agree. Who knew Midna was such a maniacal mastermind?" Link fearfully stated.

The audience all nodded their heads in agreement, all of them having played Twilight Princess before. (CoughGEEKSCough) **(Oh, who am I to talk? I love Zelda! I own TP too!)**

Tetra walked to the chair and sat down, looking around suspiciously. The 'seat belts' came up and 'strapped' her into the chair, while she struggled and muttered muffled curses.

"Tetra...plays Rock Band secretly in her room."

"How did you know? I mean-no I don't!" she protested.

"Tetra...wears panties on her head and makes her crew call her Captain Pantypants!"

"I do not! Tell 'em, crew! Wait! Where are my crew? Why aren't they answering? Answer, you mangy flee bags!"

"They're all too scared of you." cackled the voice.

"Tetra...eats all the food of people she has sleepover's with."

"Since when have I ever had a sleepover? Look at me! I'm a freaking skinny pirate! I don't eat that much!"

"Goodbye, Tetra the pirate! You and your crew will never be heard from again." the voice said ominously.

"Why's that?" Tetra asked.

The voice apparently pulled a hidden lever somewhere because the next thing Tetra knew she was being sucked into a spacial rift.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo...!" Tetra screamed as she vanished without a trace.

"Um...onto the next contestant! Shiek, my fine feathered friend, pull up a chair!" Link shouted enthusiastically.

"What? And since when have I been your friend?" Shiek questioned before sitting down silently.

"Woah! When did you get over there? You were just over-" the audience wondered.

"I'm a Shiekah. It's what we do." He replied in a nonchalant manner.

"Can we just get on with this? I'm bored and tired." the voice whined. "Oh, right. I have to say stuff now. Okay."

"Shiek of the Shiekah **(original, I know)**...is a runescape nerd!"

"Um, what's runescape? And why do you think I'm a nerd? I mean, look at me." Shiek flicked his hair behind his head and winked. This caused an uproar of the female population. (And some of the males.)

"Moving on!" Link burst out jealously.

"Shiek of the Shiekah...makes his money from a part-time job at Toys R Us!"

"I do not. I get all the money I need from being a paid assassin-I mean house painter!"

"Shiek of the Shiekah...is a pretty boy."

"Damn straight!"

"Okay, you can go now." the voice said. The buckles undid themselves and Shiek stood up.

"Huh? You're not going to send me to Hell, or warp me to another dimension?" Shiek questioned suspiciously.

"Nope. If I did, every girl in the world would kill me. Here, have a complimentary fruit basket!" the voice stammered nervously.

"Thank god I'm pretty then. Thanks ladies!" Shiek blew a kiss to the audience.

"WE LOVE YOU!!!!"

"Alrighty, bye-bye!" the voice said jealously.

Shiek walked out the door and into the sunlit street, with birds chirping and the ocean sparkling down at the docks, until he was hit by a UPS truck and sent flying to Mars.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" all the women screamed. "Down with UPS! DOWN WITH UPS!" They began chanting and ran off to UPS headquarters with pitchforks and torches in hand.

"Oh my god! Yay, now I'm the prettiest boy in Hyrule! Sorry about Shiek though." Link chattered, pink with barely contained glee.

"Time to bring out the last contestant, Nabooru of the Desert!" Malon shouted to what remained of the audience.

Nabooru was carried by an army of Picori and sat down in the chair. **(Play Minish Cap)**

"Nabooru Gerudo Desert person...has an army of Picori at her disposal."

"Yeah, I do!"

"Nabooru Gerudo Desert person...is secretly a Zora!"

"Um...maybe?"

"Nabooru Gerudo Desert person...is the star on popular daytime soap opera Days of Our Lives!"

"Alright! How much do I make?"

"OK, just get her out of here!" the voice wailed.

"Have a nice day." she said as she was carried off by her army of Picori.

"Now you Know Your Hylians: Ganondorf, Zelda, Ruto, Mido, The Postman, Midna, Tetra, Shiek, and Nabooru!" the voice wildly screamed along with the audience.

"We'll see you next time on KNOW YOUR HYLIANS!!!!!!!!!!!" they all shouted.

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**Me: Yay, I'm finally done! I'm sad that it's over, but I hope you guys review!**

**Dark Link: They probably won't.**

**Me: Oh quiet, you!**

**Dark Link: I wouldn't.**

**Me: That's cause you suck. Review!  
**


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